“self-sufficiency”

let me make a few disclaimers before i unleash the transparency that is this blog post. i know i am beyond blessed. i am grateful and humbled by what my daily life and responsibilities entail. i don’t deserve it and i am well aware of that. i am also completely heartbroken by the hurting, lonely, enslaved, and desperate people around me. so i say that to say that on SOME days, all of that doesn’t make life any easier. on some days, it is hard to be me, it is hard to live life, and it is hard to trust with every part of my heart. jesus said we will have troubles, no surprise here. this world is broken, everyone in it is broken, and not one of us was created for this place. in the deepest parts of our hearts, we are all broken, insecure in areas, lonely, searching, and often feel the pains of regret and hypocrisy. let me remind you that jesus also said, “take heart for i have overcome the world.” he has already felt what we are feeling, he has already seen the brokenness we are experiencing, and he has also already conquered it.

well… yesterday was rough. i’ve been seeing a lot of these “rough” days lately, especially the more i read my bible and the more i pray. satan isn’t so clever but he sure knows how to give me a run for my money. so i did what any strong, independent, godly woman would do…. i put the top down in my car, blasted john mayer, hit the highway, and picked up my best friend. genius.

so there we were. beka and i. on the beach at night. toes in the sand. tears in our eyes. and the sound of the waves crashing around us. our lives surely aren’t terrible, definitely aren’t perfect, and neither one of us know how to fix a thing… but…there we sat. together. and for some reason, that changes things. it changes our days and it gives us strength. i love thinking about what god must say to himself as he watches his little girls sitting there…struggling, questioning, pleading for answers. i bet he giggles. i bet he says, “maybe i should have made them a little less dramatic and emotional…”

then i got home…late. tired. but encouraged. i decided to grab my jesus calling devotional for kicks and giggles. and there. in that moment. the sweet lord reminded me that he knows everything, he is in everything, and he knows me before i know myself. i will close with what yesterday’s devotion was… mostly because anything i have to say won’t be nearly as awesome as it is.

“do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. these problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. view problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.

when you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on me and increasing intimacy between us. although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.”

fall.

the apostle paul said it best…  ”i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do.” for some strange reason, i am encouraged by this scripture. it reminds me that i am not supposed to be perfect, that even the author of half of the new testament struggled with being sinful. i have always been one to give grace to others but never one to give grace to myself. i am perfectionism at its best… always wanting to be the best, be over the top with everything, and always going the extra mile. i mean, why do when you can OVER do? along with that i hold myself at such a high standard of not being sinful. well, obvi, i fail at this very often. like paul, i do what i don’t want to do and what i know i should not do. in my weakness i lose self control and find myself at the feet of jesus where grace and mercy are found.

as i shared some of this with my best friend last night i think we both came to a beautiful realization. 5 years ago i would sin and sin and sin and nothing would happen. i wouldn’t feel badly, i wouldn’t be convicted, and i definitely would NOT look at it as an opportunity for god to grow me. but now… today… the holy spirit is so close to my heart that i can instantly feel him nudge me when i need to flee from sin or temptation. i am beyond thankful for this.  when i mess up, i weep because i have failed my savior and he deserves better than that. yet, even in my tears, he covers me with peace and love that cannot be explained with simple words and adjectives. and there he meets me… broken but mended, weak but conquered. it is one of the most beautiful things i have ever experienced.

along with paul, i find so much encouragement in the psalms… some of my favorite psalms speak so much light into this struggle for me. read through psalm 34 & 37… so good!

psalm 37:24 “though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.”

psalm 34:17-20 “the righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. a righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.”

when we let ourselves fall and become weak we give the lord an open door to be our strength. in our weakness, he is strong. when we are crushed, he is there. my only resolution, cry out to him… call upon his name… his is mighty to save.

baby steps :: part 4

when i first started my “baby steps” series i was sure that it would last for years. i was also sure that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. fortunately, i was wrong. god worked a bit too quickly for me to blog through my dad’s healing journey and i am just now starting to process what has taken place over the past few months. honestly, i am not where i wish i was. the raw truth is that i don’t know how to be a daughter. i don’t know how to have a dad. i grew up very fast and became an independent adult years before i should have. this has its benefits for sure but now i find myself in this predicament.

for my age i have experienced quite a bit. i seem to be comfortable traveling to 3rd world countries, caring for my best friend’s children for days at a time, figuring out life on my own, and running a successful business on pure dedication and faith. somehow i make all of this work on a daily basis but i can’t figure out how to simply be a daughter. for as long as i can remember i have been jealous of my friends that had great relationships with their dads. i could barely fathom what life would be like if my dad chose me over his addictions. well, now he has and i have no idea what do with it. i guess it feels like i am taking a step back if i let myself “need” my dad. i don’t mean this in a bad way… i have just fought for where i am today and to be honest, i’ve done it alone. it has been a hard and lonely fight but i know it was god’s way to my heart. i have become accustomed to a fatherless life and i am not entirely sure how to forget the past 15 years and let my dad in. this is something that i am definitely praying about and seeking wise council for but i wanted to put it out there… this isn’t easy and i am fighting an emotional and spiritual battle every day. good thing i know that god wins in the end. chew on that, satan.

8 down. 17 to go.

back in january i wrote a list of 25 things that i wanted to accomplish this year. some were silly, others nearly impossible, and some were, well… just dreams. since we are nearly 5 months into my 25th year, an update seemed appropriate.  if you haven’t read my 25 things yet, please catch yourself up!

ok. here way go. starting with…

#23- give hand written notes to my friends regularly. i am going to give this a pretty confident check. i’ve written quite a few cards to friends with bible verses, encouragement, or just telling them why i love them. i have great friends, this was easy.

#22- read 25 books. ok, i’m a bit of a slacker. but i think i am at 6. fail. i better up my game a bit.

#21- vaca to nashville & memphis to see my sis. almost a check on this one! planning a trip for may if flights cooperate.

#19- bring my dad to church with me. well, this one was god’s doing BUT dad has come to church nearly every sunday for the past 2 months. win!

#12- learn a different language.maybe italian. i am on my way with this one! i have all the tools i need and a friend that speaks italian fluently. oh yes! and my italian children’s books arrive soon!

#10- less of me. more of jesus. ok, this is a hard one to judge but i know i have grown closer to jesus in the past 4 months. definitely have made my life more about him.

#7- take a photo with my mom, dad, & sister…all smiling. well. i took one with my mom, dad, and me…all smiling? so i’ll give myself half credit on that one.

#3- fall crazy in love. nothing confirmed on this one yet but i have pretty good feeling about this one getting a check.

ok. so i’ve touched on 8 of the 25. not too bad but i better start figuring out some of the ones that take a little more effort. i think i’ll start with training for my half marathon again, i am determined to run some sort of race before the holidays! 25 has been a really great year so far, i can’t wait to see how it ends!

resurrection.

tuesday marks 3 months of sobriety for my dad. as much as i want to celebrate his accomplishments, i keep pushing it to the side. the bigger celebration for him is that he has surrendered his life to jesus. this is something i never thought i would witness. to be honest, i thought i was going to lose my father this year, i thought this would be the year that his body just gave up. well, obviously i was way off. i have reached a whole new level of humility as i have seen my father move from dependence on alcohol and drugs to dependence on our savior. the power of jesus is limitless, nothing is out of his hands. in the moments where i thought there was no hope, jesus still had control. it really blows my mind.

i took the following image of my parents on sunday at church.

look at those smiles. i see so much life in my dad. the only times i have seen life and joy in his face have been in pictures from when i was a young girl. it is so refreshing to see his smile and his eyes light up. he has a purpose in life now and the only person behind this miracle was god. he orchestrated so many people and so many miracles the day i walked my dad into rehab. without my church and pastors my dad would still be an addict, his marriage would still be in shambles, and his days would be full of depression, regret, and pain. it makes me smile to know that he is a new creation in christ. the old is gone and the new remains. his life has just begun.

looking back at my dad’s story, i have a new perspective on resurrection. jesus brought my dad back from a place of death. no one else in the world could have done this. my dad had lost his brother to drugs and alcohol last year, he lost most of his friends because of his addiction, he had no relationship with my older sister or myself, and was on the verge of seeing his wife walk out on him after almost 30 years of marriage…none of this even made him think twice about getting help. after 15 years of abusing alcohol and drugs, jesus pulled my dad out of his addictions and gave him a new life. there is no other explanation. the resurrection of jesus changed everything for us and thousands of years later he is resurrecting all of his children. he is giving us back our wasted years and giving us all a new life in him. crazy? yes. real? heck yes.

it’s april?

not entirely sure how it’s already april. of 2011. but here we are… my days fly by. my weeks are getting shorter as time goes on and  part of me feels like thanksgiving is just around the corner. so much has already happened this year…i can barely wrap my mind around it. the words growth, redemption, miraculous, and awe-struck can begin the list of what 2011 has been thus far.

god has moved so quickly with my dad and healing him from the inside out. it seems like he was silent for 15 years and then within 5 hours had everything all worked out. i guess that is something only HE could do. watching his miracles play out was unbelievable. i had a front row seat to grace, mercy, redemption, brokenness, healing and surrender. i saw god defeat satan in every way possible. i saw years of pain fall to the ground. i felt the compassion that jesus has for us through every inch of my body. i was held up by amazing friends as i held up my father and walked him into rehab. with every bit of strength i had in my body i fought for my daddy.

in the midst of tears, pleading, and praying, i felt it. i was no longer a little girl, not even a young lady. the time was gone. my daddy’s little girl sat on her knees, her hands digging into her father’s hands as if he was being dragged away. his little girl was now a woman. and not just any woman, she was a woman with the power of god behind her. a woman with the words of hundreds of people’s prayers flying up to the name that is above every name. and in those moments, prayers were answered, wasted years were restored, and a little girl found a little piece of life that was left in her father.

 

year 25.

i am nearly a week into my 25th year of life. yes. i.am.old. i guess by now i thought i would feel like an adult but the truth is… i still feel like a kid. the only difference seems to be that this “kid” has a few more bills and responsibilities than her former version. i have some high hopes for my 25th year. some little things to accomplish… some big… and some just silly. i am a rather big fan of lists so appropriately so, i have made myself a little 25th “to do” list. ok. maybe i put a few little dreams in there too : ) … in no particular order…

1- go to the airport and take the next flight out.

2- live in new york city.

3- fall crazy in love.

4- shoot a southern wedding.

5- watch my sister get married.

6- swim with dolphins.

7- take a photo with my mom, dad & sister…all smiling : )

8- run a half marathon.

9- heck. run a marathon.

10- less of me. more of jesus.

11- ask random strangers how i can pray for them.

12- learn a different language. maybe italian. yes…italian. ah meat-a-ballll!

13- go back to learning to play the piano.

14- have a sweet boy to write little notes to.

15- girls night at the breakers. room service and all.

16- go back to haiti or bolivia. possibly bring back a kid?

17- start a photography ministry/bible study with high school and college girls.

18- spend more time with jesus than i do texting my friends.

19- bring my dad to church with me.

20- figure out the new york city train system.

21- vaca to nashville and memphis to see my sis.

22- read 25 books.

23- give hand written notes to my friends regularly.

24- see john mayer in concert. or john mclaughlin.

25- go to a book signing in a fun city. author is negotiable.

life’s little miracles.

today was nearly therapeutic for me. i spent the day with one of my best friends. we’ve known each other nearly 20 years and i can barely remember life before him. after 20 years of friendship we can still talk for hours, laugh uncontrollably, and find entertainment in the littlest things. it was lovely.

after a fun filled day i came to the riniker’s home to hang with the “sleeping” kiddos while gina and steve went out on a little italian date. (super jeal). gina is super woman… super mom… and super love bug. she does it all and does it all so well. she is the epitome of a mother. i always joke that i want to be a mix of her and our other friend, julie. they are inspiring, fun, caring, nurturing, and loving mothers… much like my own sweet mom. gina’s home is such a safe haven of love, security, jesus, and family. it is a happy and creative place where you can’t help but smile.

upon arriving the 3 kiddos: kate, cole, and duelio (yes.) were heading up to bed and the “adults” were heading out the door. one of the last things gina tells me is that there are things growing in the bathroom sink and to use the kitchen sink to wash my hands… this makes me smile. so some hours later i go to see these infamous growing creatures and what i found just made me smile. growing turtles and alligators taking over the guest bathroom. love. this is one of those times when you know you have become a mother.

the combination of the growing creatures taking over the bathroom sink and the pitter patters of the kids upstairs made my heart so happy. i couldn’t help but stand at the stairs and listen to the 3 little bugs giggle and sneak around into each other’s rooms. their giggles, conversations, and explanations were so innocent. i let them enjoy a little disobedience before heading upstairs to check on them. i held back laughter as cole and duelio scattered back into their room from kate’s. once in their beds the boys go on to tell me how they need walkie talkies so they can all talk together at night from their rooms. i just died. these children must be angels. it has taken me some great self control to not let them stay up and watch movies with me all night. i mean…who can resist 3 little bugs in pajama onesies? don’t worry, gina, they are sound asleep : )

anyways. god’s greatest blessings are found in things that cannot be bought but experienced. today was one of those days. i hope your christmas season is filled with moments like this.

photo courtesy of the riniker family and their bathroom growing creatures.

baby steps :: part 3

back in high school i always wanted to be my daddy’s little girl. i’d have done just about anything to be his princess. i hid the truth from all my friends and pretended like i had my daddy wrapped around my finger. the truth was, i wasn’t sure if he even found me to be the least bit special. the photo to your left was taken about 9 years ago…after some attempts at rehab, before his move to texas, and before i gave up on my “daddy’s little girl” dreams.

i was jolted back to this day a few weeks ago. i left church numb.. almost lifeless. nothing seemed to matter in this world except giving my daddy one last chance. jesus was his only hope and the only jesus he would ever see would be through me. i didn’t have the words for prayers, i just listened for god to whisper to me and fill me up with encouragement. i drove down the highway… hands clinched to the steering wheel… knuckles white… butterflies in my stomach. longest 25 minutes of my life.

the jolt of the dirt road in our neighborhood shook me. it hit me. i was home. i drove slowly down yearling drive. i studied the houses that had been there for years, the houses my daddy had built with his hands when i was just a little girl. i shook as i approached our driveway. what would he think? does he know why i’m here? is this pointless? … the thoughts were endless. i parked emma and quietly closed the door. breathe girl, you got this…i encouraged myself and walked to thedoor. the minutes seemed like hours… he was no where to be found. secretly i was semi-relieved.

i snuck out the front door and turned the corner towards the porch. my daddy turned the same corner and we stood, face to face. both a little shook up, both sharing a small smile. i lost my words, my point in being there, my worries. we hugged. i felt his pain, his hurts, his regrets, his loneliness. i was filled with compassion, grace, love, care, and strength. in that moment the past didn’t matter. my pain eased and slowly my heart changed. my heart broke for him. i suddenly felt a small glimpse of what god must feel like when he watches his children suffer. it must be excruciating.

obvi i am still processing a lot of this. i am trying to piece together what was said that day and what the next step is. none of this matters until my daddy realizes that god is drawing up this magical story of redemption, healing, and forgiveness and it really has little to do with me. i will press on, trusting that god will finish this great work that he alone has begun.

baby steps :: part 2

i didn’t get to this place on my own. it has taken many prayers, several sermons, and a couple fiercely loving friends to bring me to where i am today. not long ago i turned my back on the idea of ever speaking to my father again. sure, i forgave him. nailed his name to the cross every easter and accepted the story god wrote for me. as i began to share more of my story with one of my dear friends, she began to challenge me to reach out to my father. sadly, my friend had lost her father when she was 12 and never had the chance to share her faith with him. after some convincing and numerous coffee dates i began to see where she was coming from. my father had beaten all odds to stay alive and there was a reason why god kept him going. sober or not, he was still here and god still had a chance to save his life.

ok, let’s fast forward a few weeks to a typical sunday morning at the ascent. john’s sermon title… the holiday survival guide. awesome. i clung to every word he said, felt every emotion in my heart, and fought back streams of tears. making eye contact with him was piercing to my soul. by mid sermon he had devoured the commandment of honoring your father and mother. i was numb. honoring my father didn’t excuse his choices, actions, or addictions… honoring my father would honor god. i needed to love my father the way jesus loves him.

we ended service with worship but i couldn’t move. approaching the communion table 4 feet in front of me was out of the question. i knew what i had to do. i needed to see my father. i wanted to see him… for the first time in 10 years i actually had a small desire to see my daddy….