grace and mr. timothy

2 timothy 2:22-26

²²Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. ²³Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. ²⁴And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. ²⁵Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

this verse just jumped off the pages at me. i love epiphanies. just had one…loved it. so here is what i’m understanding.. if someone does NOT believe in the hope of the Lord, we must gently instruct them..THEN.. here comes the epiphany.. give it to GOD. do nothing! He is the one that will transform their hearts and lead them to their knees in repentance, not us. i think we spend time trying to “fix” our friends and family members instead of spending time praying for God to fix them. i’ve spent enough time exhausting myself over my lost friends and family members, i’m casting my cares on the Lord and trusting that His will for my friends and family members will ultimately happen in His timing. i’m trying to devote myself to prayer for them, not control over them. i may know that God’s ways are better but they have not come to that glorious revelation… yet.

whether it is your best friend that has gone astray or a father that is lost in his addictions, we are called to do one thing. love them. don’t judge them, don’t yell at them, don’t become enraged with their actions. love them. be enraged at the sin in their lives but understand that it is not up to you to fix them. Jesus didn’t judge, he loved unconditionally. as children that understand the Gospel, we must love them too.

i can’t promise that this is an easy thing to do. we are called to DAILY pick up our crosses and follow Jesus. so for me, EVERY DAY i pick up the burden i carry for my father and i pursue Jesus. not because He will take away the pain, but because He makes the pain bearable. what cross do you need to pick up everyday? is it for pain caused by a father? a best friend? take it up and cast your cares upon Jesus, he is your only source for redemption, grace, and survival.

redeeming love.

well blog friends, it has been just over 20 days since i 86ed facebook/twitter/social networks from my life. i have to say, it has been wonderful. on top of having more intentional relationships and conversations and getting my homework done before sunday, i’ve experienced Jesus in a whole new way. for some reason i thought going even one day without reading my bible or devoting myself to prayer was ok and i would get by. that is the farthest from the truth. take it from a girl that has made mistakes and knows what the other side looks like. i’m sure of one thing in life, God’s plans are better plans. He works everything together for my good. starting my day with God and ending with God is a necessity. not to make us feel better or to get us what we want. it’s a broken hallelujah, a selfless surrender, and a heart of worship. we do it because God deserves it, not because of what it does for us. the truth is this… i don’t always feel like reading my bible or praying or depending on God every minute of the day but it’s not about me.

i always seemed to make the time to update my facebook status 745 times a day and tweet random thoughts every chance i got. the sad part was that i could easily rationalize not reading my bible before my head hit the pillow because it was late and i had to be up early. apparently i had time to watch 5 tv shows before that but pushed God to the back burner. sure, i came back every once in awhile and still talked to God everyday but i was missing out on what God created me to do. i was missing out on a life of worship. i left, came back, left, came back, left again… and still…God was still God. the unchanging, unfailing love was waiting for me every time. oh how beautiful grace and redeeming love are.

i’ve seen both sides of this life: doing things my way and doing things God’s way. for some reason i cross the line from time to time but i think those days are over. God has prepared me for this for a long time now and He is doing some serious work in my life. Praise the Lord! this year is going to bring on some very exciting times for me!! not sure where i will be come this august but i am ready for wherever God leads me!

it’s that time.

i’ve felt this coming for awhile now and tonight just confirmed the necessary. i need to say goodbye to the cyber world for awhile. i wasn’t created to vent my every feeling, action, plan, trouble, or excitement all over the place for the world to see. for some, they can do it with great motives. i’ll be honest, my heart isn’t right when it comes to facebook, twitter, and texting constantly… i need to feel what God wants me to feel. i need to embrace loneliness and turn to God and my community for fulfillment and security. i’m over the habit of being caught up in this world and wearing my feelings on a pointless status. i’m being pulled away from the real thing and the real point in life. this is in no way to offend anyone. please know i love you all and wouldn’t intend that. but for me, it is my personal conviction that i can’t waste my time ranting about life on facebook (good or bad) or spending time galavanting through the lives of others just to avoid what i need to deal with in my life. i don’t know why i need to broadcast that i am taking a break from all of this but i think i do. i guess that is part of why i need a break. i’ve come to  a place where i worry too much about answering other people and seeking their approval. i need to make room for God and for the growth that i am deprived of. i am humbled, grateful, thankful beyond measure, and in awe of what God is doing. i have the most A-WESOME pastor and the most amazing church and community. if it wasn’t for my footwasher of a pastor, i don’t know where i’d be. the message tonight broke me in the best way possible and now, lead me to this.

so i think that is it. i don’t think i need a reason to be unavailable but just in case, there it is. i don’t know what God is up to but i’m bracing myself for a fun ride.

for kicks and giggles: my 3 blessings…

1. combination of: kristin, andrew, shea, and my little gem ,regina tonight.

2. my pastor that truly has a broken heart for the things that break God’s heart. a pastor that embraces the body of Christ like it is his own and passionately seeks to do the will of God.

3. grace.mercy.peace.unfailing love.forgivness.understanding.compassionate.caring.never ending.unexhaustible faith. things that are only found in Jesus.

see ya’ll around!

1 down.

i spent day one of being 24 at disney world…no better place in the world than here! i still haven’t found a word to express my gratitude towards those who love me but hopefully you all know how much you mean to me. i never want to forget these moments. i hope i can create these amazing memories for my children one day. despite some rain and such, it was a super fun birthday and i am looking forward to more celebrations this week.

my top moments for the day:

1. surprise dinner in the magic kingdom castle! (total blessing seeing that you have to book this 180 days in advance and the saunders called yesterday). complete with princess pictures and a huge fireworks show going on. indescribable.

2. wearing my birthday pin and having everyone shout happy birthday to me throughout the day.

3. experiencing my 3rd stay at a disney resort. there is really no other place on earth like this. i am in a fairy tale that i can’t describe.

4. so bean and i finally get to the grand floridian (it’s massive) and usually the saunders are waiting for us but we got their first and were a little confused. we thought we finished with the valet but apparently they were waiting for us to come back to see them… SO we head to magic kingdom and leave jamarcus (her hummer) right upfront in the main entrance like we were parking at our own house. for 6 hours. hahahahaha. NOW that is what i call princess parking!

5. two words: Jess Cornett. she made my day. i was so blessed with tons of emails, texts, twitters, facebook love, ect. but Jess calls and says, “I was going to facebook book you but then i thought..NO, I am calling her!” she was so happy and excited for me. Her voice just made me so happy and i felt so special. thanks, Jess, you are amazing!

7. mickey left me a happy birthday card and a plate of chocolates and goodies in my room, he is such a guy. little details are amazing.

8. me and bean getting lost 27 times. and laughing at ourselves.

9. walking out of the castle and standing where all the characters dance and perform. the view of the park was amazing.

10. family and friends. jesus has provided for me more than i could have ever asked for. he carries me everyday and spoils me rotten. he has given me so many wonderful people to share life with. i love jesus. i love you. i love love.

goodbye 23, hello 24.

i’m enjoying my last hours being 23 and super excited for turning 24. i love that my birthday is in the beginning of the year because it is a starting point for the fabulous year i have ahead of me. God rocked my world in so many ways this past year and i am so excited for what he has been preparing me for during my 24th year of life. i can only imagine the amazing things God will be teaching me, revealing to me, and blessing me with this year. i am just giddy right now and ever so thankful for some of the best moments of my life that happened this past year.

jillian (my bean) asked me a series of questions tonight about my birthday and the past year of my life. it was a beautiful reminder of how God kept his son shining in my life even when i was in the middle of a treacherous storm. i am so thankful, grateful, and humbled by the year i had. for kicks and giggles i’ll share some of the fun questions bean asked me and my answers..and a few bonus ones to keep me accountable!

Q: My favorite moments of being 23

A: Going to Boston and New Hampshire with the Saunders over summer. Those couple weeks hold some of my favorite moments in all my life! I am so glad I journaled every detail of the days we spent there so I can cherish those memories forever. A close second…. in November we took a Disney trip and it was my first time staying in a Disney resort. I wanted to cry. It was amazing. It got better…. we went to the magic kingdom and had a dance party with all the princesses and bean and i had the BEST time dancing to “I got a feeling” and so many other songs!!! I will provide a video of us dancing for you soon.

Q: What will I not forget?

A: Staying at a Disney resort for the 1st and 2nd time. All the times I have laughed til I cried. My cousin and I becoming so close.

Q: What will I forget:

A: Heartbreak. So many forms of heartbreak tore me apart this year and I have learned from them and am ready to give everything over to God this year.

Q:  How will my 24th year be different?

A: I will use all the growth of 23 and enjoy a happy year being 24. I anticipate God starting so many exciting things this year and opening a huge chapter in my life. My 24th year marks my graduation  and a year of celebrating redeeming love.

Q: What are my hopes for 24?

A: Definitely get closer to starting my own family. Whether that means dating my prince charming or being engaged.. I’m ready for it! Also, developing my wedding photography and celebrating the little things in life!

Q: If I could do anything or go anywhere this year what would it be or where would I go?

A: I would definitely go to Europe if I could and travel for awhile and take lots of pictures and I would LOVE to go with Regina, she’d be a rockstar traveler to go with! If I could do anything it would be to love someone unconditionally like the unfailing love that God has for us.

yay for birthdays and wonderful friends. i could write a whole blog about each of my wonderful friends that have blessed my life beyond measure. let me try to say a few i love you’s, thank you’s, i appreciate you’s, ect. to some of my love bugs! i am fearful that i’ll forget someone, don’t be offended, i have had no sleep.

here’s to my love bugs: jules, amy, ma, sarah, lonnie, danielle, kristie, marla, david, bean, kylie, kristin, logan, christi, beka and ben, jess cornett, spring, mara, stacey, christopher andrew, katy, keith, tiffany, pjs, jodi, pk, megs, lorena, shea, and my little gem, regina. each of you have made a HUGE impact on this year of my life. i love you and thank God every day for you. i am beyond blessed by you. and to my younger loves that keep me young: bean, holls, chels, kelso, kay, bin, leah, amanda… you are my inspiration. <3

OK! longer than i thought! the end!

almost 24…

i’ll be 24 this Friday and life is flying by. i still feel 16 at times without a care in the world and responsibility that went as far as making my bed or cleaning my bathroom. somehow within 8 years i am responsible for so much more than i ever thought i could handle. a few years ago i was partying every night, shopping non-stop, and searching for my purpose in life. now, my life has taken a 180 and i’m no longer in the driver seat. my 23rd year of life has definitely been the hardest but i have without a doubt grown the most. when things came crashing down this year i was so thankful to have my sister come home. talking to her today made me realize how strong she has made me and how she held me up even when i didn’t know it. it still amazes me that at 25 and 24, my sister and i are holding up what is left of our little family. sometimes it feels like it’s just me and her but i’m ok with that now. i still can’t believe we’re old enough to be making the decisions we are making regarding our family and that we are mature enough to take action when it is needed. thank God for his wisdom and courage to conquer anything that comes our way.

this past year has taught me that nothing physical and materialistic on this earth matters at all. endless shopping sprees just leave you more empty inside and chasing after earthly desires just pulls you away from God and the true meaning in life. this year i’m going to delight in the fact that I am redeemed from so much and saved from even more. i couldn’t ask for more, i have abundantly more than i deserve.

24 for me celebrates…

my rockstar sister. my amazing mom who has battled it all. the fact that family doesn’t have to be blood relatives. the most amazing friends on the planet. leaving the past behind me and being free from bondage. an unfailing love that God has for all of us and the miracle he has worked in my life. having no money and being content with knowing i am provided for. and lastly, the year of my graduation…hallelujia, pba will no longer own my life.

bring it on…

needless to say i have signed off on 2009. it has been quite the year and i am ready to put an endpoint on a year of emotions, drama, and transitions. of course there was quite a bit of fun in the mix of that, praise the Lord, but 2010 will behold more of the fun times and less of the hard times. my life has changed more within this past year than it has in the past 10 years. i’ve lost family members, moved more times than i can remember, had a great job, been jobless, started my own business, i’ve loved and lost, cried, laughed til i’ve cried, and slowly…i’ve learned to love again.

through the ups and downs i’ve learned this…no matter what the circumstance is, nothing is going to shake me if i stand on the promises that God has set before me. no death, no pain, no loss, and no gain can change my purpose in life, where i am going, or where i will spend eternity. this is how i will have a much more fun filled 2010. the pain of my father will no longer reign over me and satan will have lost all the power he had over me. i will smile, not because of what i have or what my present situation is, but because God is good and HE is doing what is best for me. i won’t just smile when i get what i want, i will smile when i know that i am getting what God wants.

i’m super thankful and blessed for…

1. my dang amazing cousin who loves Jesus and rocks at life. she pulls me through everything and i’m so thankful to have her by my side. i’m pretty sure we’re really sisters but just to keep things simple, i’ll refer to her as “cousin.”

2. the Gospel that saves my soul and gives me hope through everything and purpose for life. don’t understand how i ever lived without it. hallelujah.

3. unanswered prayers and heartbreak. this past year i asked God “why?” more than i should have. now i see the answer to why and even though it was heartbreaking for awhile i am SO thankful that God knew what i needed more than i did and where i needed to be more than i did. He knows all even when i think i know it all.

bring it on 2010.

i love the ascent. the end.

it is so true that when we are weak, God is strong. i felt this so much these past 10 days and i have never been more grateful for God’s mercy and peace. this was a rough year for me and it is definitely ending with a bang. during all these trials i can’t seem to get some words of wisdom out of my head that have been so graciously shared by my pastor. i keep hearing his voice talking me through these trials and reminding me that i show my faith in Christ by the way i handle trials and how i look at my circumstances. this is extremely difficult at times but i am thankful that i have the best pastor to help me through times where i must embrace suffering and endure it.

i’ve learned that it is OK to not be OK. let that sink in…it has taken me years to understand this but it radically changed me this week. i’m not ok but i am still here. i have a broken heart, but it is still beating and God is still working. the truth for me this week is that i can still enjoy life and be usable to God even when things are not ok or i am not ok. my God delights in these times and carries me every step of the way. so for anyone else that just isn’t ok, hang in there. God is carrying you and so is the community He has given you. i am thankful for that today. back in the day i used to post 3 things i was blessed by or thankful for each day to remind me how lucky i am. i think it is a good time to do this….so here we go!

today i am thankful for:

1. my pastor. a man of God that empathizes with his congregation and shows us God’s love with the way that he loves us. i am thankful for him and his genuine care for people.

2. the opportunity to see two people still in love with each other after 23 years. this has been a miracle and saving grace for me. i can only pray that i have what they have one day.

3. the mistakes i have made and the people in my past that have dropped me when they should have carried me. every mistake, every hurt, and every pain got me to where i am today and who i am in Christ. i wouldn’t take any of that back for the world because it got me to God.

love.

my thankful heart

you can tell a lot about me from the music i listen to. i am sucker for lyrics and john mayer. that is besides the point. so here are the lyrics for my week….”I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing, With a broken heart that’s still beating, In the pain is the healing, In your name I find meaning.” so me and so my week. it has been awhile since i have felt physical heart pain and to tell you the truth, i can’t think of anything worse than that feeling. i have always been the one to smile when things are falling down but that girl needs a break. the real genuine me has been broken and this Christmas season has been a difficult one. i don’t have much to say besides that i am thankful, i am persevering in His promises, and i am holding on.

in the mist of this mess i need to say thank you. i have the most wonderful friends and community. i want each of you to know that there were times when i was crying so hard i couldn’t pray or i was too exhausted to pray or even think. there were times where i didn’t even know what to pray for…and in that mess, i felt comfort knowing i was being prayed for and i was being supported.

i love each of you. thank you to my best friends who were there every hour. to my dearest best friends that stayed up late to try to help me sleep, or to the friends that called at 3am. thank you for your shoulders to cry on and your open ears and heart. they don’t go unnoticed or unappreciated. thank you to my sister who has been my rock. thank you to my cousin who i am so dearly blessed by and thankful for. thank you to my sweet friends that offer their time, hugs, love, encouragement and energy to help me. you bring tears to my eyes. thank you to those who invite me into their families with no reason other than because they care. i am truly blessed. my faith is strong and all of what is going on will not break me down. thank you to my best friends who have reminded me of that daily. it is so true that in times when things are crashing down you will find out who your friends are. i was surprised by which ones held me up this time and i am thankful for each of you.

so, thank you. for everyone that prayed and thought of me, for everyone who took time to lift up my family, to my very very best friends that put everything aside when i needed them. i am humbled that you have thought of me through the day and continued to check in. thank you for caring and loving. please continue to pray, i see the answers all over.

heartbreak warfare

i am sure of two things now. 1. i can never put into words how i feel and 2. i can always find a john mayer song that does it for me. battle studies is just a little glimpse into the accumulation of little stories that have added up to my life. the words just do something for me and for my mind. i like the release it offers when i know someone else in the world knows how i feel.

ok, maybe i am sure of more than 2 things right now. life takes obedience. not just to God but in everything that we do and to the people that surround us. the thing is this… it starts with God and it ends with God but the middle is sometimes one big mess. i am learning to be obedient to the things he has given me and the responsibilities that he has trusted me with. if i can’t be obedient to my earthly parent(s) or the purpose God has for my life or be more obedient to what God has called me to do than how will i EVER be obedient to God in general. sure, i can follow his “rules”… no drinking, check. no sex, check. no stealing, check… i’ve got those down. but what about being obedient to him with your whole soul? surrendering every thought, action, and desire to him? trusting him with even the littlest part of your day?

i think it starts at a young age, we learn to be obedient to our parents, and then to small rules, and then to larger rules, and BAM then suddenly we are overcome with God and learning to obedient to him. it’s a long and hard process and we start our childhood over and re-learn obedience, respect, honor, and humbleness. a wise pastor’s wife once said, “that the most important thing a parent can do is to teach their child to be obedient to them because if they don’t ever grasp that they will never grasp being obedient to God.”

i guess i have to take a step back. i’ve got to re-learn to be a kid again and maybe be obedient to some aspects of my earthly parent(s) that i have decided to ignore. sometimes we have to crawl even after we can walk.