heartbreak warfare

i am sure of two things now. 1. i can never put into words how i feel and 2. i can always find a john mayer song that does it for me. battle studies is just a little glimpse into the accumulation of little stories that have added up to my life. the words just do something for me and for my mind. i like the release it offers when i know someone else in the world knows how i feel.

ok, maybe i am sure of more than 2 things right now. life takes obedience. not just to God but in everything that we do and to the people that surround us. the thing is this… it starts with God and it ends with God but the middle is sometimes one big mess. i am learning to be obedient to the things he has given me and the responsibilities that he has trusted me with. if i can’t be obedient to my earthly parent(s) or the purpose God has for my life or be more obedient to what God has called me to do than how will i EVER be obedient to God in general. sure, i can follow his “rules”… no drinking, check. no sex, check. no stealing, check… i’ve got those down. but what about being obedient to him with your whole soul? surrendering every thought, action, and desire to him? trusting him with even the littlest part of your day?

i think it starts at a young age, we learn to be obedient to our parents, and then to small rules, and then to larger rules, and BAM then suddenly we are overcome with God and learning to obedient to him. it’s a long and hard process and we start our childhood over and re-learn obedience, respect, honor, and humbleness. a wise pastor’s wife once said, “that the most important thing a parent can do is to teach their child to be obedient to them because if they don’t ever grasp that they will never grasp being obedient to God.”

i guess i have to take a step back. i’ve got to re-learn to be a kid again and maybe be obedient to some aspects of my earthly parent(s) that i have decided to ignore. sometimes we have to crawl even after we can walk.

 

 

the space between.

the space between hope and change is pain. how true but heart breaking that is for all of us. i’m pretty sure i am in the dead middle of the space between. i wish i could move this process along a little faster but apparently God has something a little more for me. all of me wants to run the opposite way and go back to my safe place. i know my safe place is just one step back, just right around the corner. i don’t know where it is coming from but i just can’t let myself go back. i know it’s not worth it but i’m craving the easy way to feel fulfilled. i know this world far too well and i know how i can get a quick fix for the pain i’m in. why is sin so tempting? even when i know how disgusting it is, why am i so eager to turn right back to it? where has my faith gone when the pain sets in? i think i’ll have to get back to this when the pain hasn’t settled and i can confidently say that i am clinging to the power of the cross and not the band-aids that this world offers.

“The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.”

so fresh, so clean.

It’s day 16 of my white t-shirt campaign and I’d humbly like to say that I am doing well. God has revealed SO much to me these past two weeks and I have learned so much about myself, my heart, my God, and I have let others learn about me as well. The simplistic notion of a white t-shirt opened up doors for so many real conversations that have been waiting to happen. Unfortunately always dressing up and appearing “perfect” can be intimidating to others and has prevented me from being in several genuine relationships. It took years for me to get to this point but for the first time I feel real, genuine, approachable, and comfortable in my own skin. It was extremely humbling in areas but encouraging at the same time and I find myself loving who God made me, not what the world can make me look like.

God revealed something to me this past week… why do the majority of people, believers or not, think you have to get clean before coming to Christ? What is it that gives people the impression that we must run back to God fresh, clean, and sinless? That is the farthest from the truth but it is unfortunately a belief to many. God is patiently waiting with open arms for ALL his children to run back to him, clean or unclean, full of regret or not. He is there to make us clean, to redeems us, to erase our pasts, forgive our sins, and make miracles out of our mistakes. God doesn’t keep record of our wrongs and we can come to him at any time no matter how dirty we think we are.

The reputation for having to dress nice to go to church doesn’t help this whole dilemma. I made a commitment to not take part in that anymore. My God is my God whether I am in a fancy dress or ripped jeans and a white tank top. I don’t always have things together and from now on, I’m not gonna fake how I feel or who I am. I’m coming to the cross stripped of my earthly desires and requirements and being real with Jesus and my community.

As always, I can relate my boy, John Mayer, to this.. “Who says I can’t be free, from all of the things that I used to be, rewrite my history, who says I can’t be free?”

Let Jesus rewrite your history and be free in who HE has created you to be.

the white t-shirt campaign

I thought about calling this blog the “white t-shirt contest” but that seemed slightly inappropriate thus, I went for the less offensive choice of the white t-shirt campaign. So as life goes, we have mountains and we have valleys. I pretty much decided to build a tent and embrace my valley and take it for what it is worth because I put up a pretty lousy battle against the Creator of the universe. I’m just going to dive into this one head first. If you know me, you already know all of this but I’ll try to keep in entertaining. I like to dress up. I love clothes, clutches, shoes, scarfs, make-up, mirrors, BOWS, ribbons, cute belts, fun jewelry… you name it- I love it. If you’re pink, you’re in. If you’re ruffly- you’ve won a top spot on my list. If you’re both- well… let’s not go there… Back to the point. I have endless clothes in endless amounts and shoes to match everything even you own. Sadly, shopping addictions are an acceptable sin in the church (body of believers) today. I decided to analyze why cute clothes, accessories, and shoes play such an important role in my life…. the conclusions- not so cute.

Here is the raw me, the real deal… breathe… and… so I don’t feel pretty unless I am dolled up, perfectly matching, well-coordinated, and feeling like I just stepped out of a doll house. Disclaimer: It is TOTALLY ok to get dolled up as long as your heart is in the right place. I realized I am not comfortable in my own skin. This HAS to change, my God made me the way HE wanted me, clothed in Lilly and Anthropologie or not He is satisfied with just plain old me. So that I will be…for now. God put this on my heart awhile ago and today it just happened. I’m throwing myself a little campaign I like to call- drum roll- the white t-shirt campaign. The simplest thing I own is a white t-shirt thus I chose to embrace this. I am going to be secure and comfortable in just a white t-shirt. And to top it off- I’m NOT wearing all my designer jeans.  Nope. It is just going to be me and God for awhile. No more Lilly dresses worn to publix or 9 outfit changes before I leave the house. I am going to be happy and feel great, secure, and pretty in the simplest thing I own. So here is me today (in the pic above) with my past to the right… a pile of TONS of clothes (mind you this is about .01% of my clothing). Simple t-shirt and simple jeans was me today and to be honest…. It didn’t make my day any better or any worse. So there you have it, my white t-shirt campaign… I’m going to stick with this for awhile so if you think I am wearing the same outfit a lot, I am. It will be the first time I wear an outfit twice… Prayers are welcomed. If you are so inclined feel free to join me on this white t-shirt campaign.

{best friends and church don’t mix}

I love Sundays. I love the unexplainable feeling of waking up on a Sunday morning and just being giddy. Maybe it’s the anticipation of what cute heels I’ll wear to church or the perfect excuse for indulging in my sugar-filled latte at Starbucks. So today, like my normal Sunday ritual, we all head to CityPlace, galavant to Starbucks, and then trickle into church to mingle with friends and get our weekly check mark from the Big Guy. So here I am…. cinnamon dolce latte in my left hand and my right hand raised as a sign of worship when it hit me. I’ve crossed a lot of lines in my life, some worse than others, but most resulting in the inability to cross back over to the other side. You see, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, in fact, it is often very brown and deceiving. My line is this. My pastor is not a pastor to me, I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way at all, I LOVE my pastor, I wouldn’t leave his church for the world. But when you become friends with your pastor it changes things. Then there is the rest of the staff and volunteers…all of whom I am friends with, have traveled with, giggled over coffee with, shopped with…you understand. This puts me in a different place. I feel like I gave away my card to be real and struggle once in awhile. It’s almost like at the end of the message I hear, “We’re here if you need to talk to someone or if you need prayer…. except for Laurie, since of course, we’re friends and that would be awkward and she’s got this Christianity thing down.” I am positive PJs (as I call Pastor John) did not say that this morning to the congregation but that is what I heard.

How can I hang with all the leaders, pastors, and staff one day and joke around, go to movies, keep my “I got it all together” face on, and then BAM line up with the other “got everything together” people to pray with them? Won’t they think, “weird, why does Laurie need to pray with someone? She’s got this down, she’s been a Christian for a good amount of time. She’s got tons of friends, lives with a great family, and travels on regular mission trips. I mean she worked at Christ Fellowship, what could possibly be wrong?.” I guess I hide it well. I can stroll in with my pink heels, bright colored Lilly Pulitzer dress perfectly fit and the ever perfect touch of accessories to top it all off. Add in a pink bible and a Starbucks latte and we have the “perfect” Christian girl. Well, not so much. I have reached a level with church and church people where praying with all of them would be like a pastor approaching a first time church attendee and asking them to pray for him. We think because they are pastors they don’t need prayer and don’t have struggles. Or my all time favorite, she’s been around church forever, we can scratch her off the “to-do” list…aka: the unsaved list. It seems like once people get saved, start to volunteer or hang around on a regular basis we check them off our imaginary list and they are doomed with the title of “being saved.” Well, I am saved and I get this whole Jesus thing but that doesn’t mean I don’t have crummy days or days where I wonder what in the heck is going on here. I don’t have the slightest clue about what God is doing and to be honest, I don’t think many of us do. I won’t put on my “I got it together” face anymore because honestly, I don’t got it together. ONE thing reigns true. God has it together and I am thankful for that.

these 4 walls.

I have a rare childhood in that I lived in the same house since I was born. My parents built it in 1981 with my God parents and aunts and uncles. My mom was told she couldn’t have kids but 5 years later, she had two! My parents and their two little miracles had the ultimate life on Yearling Drive. We grew up with the same neighbors and our parents friends for all of our lives and they all eventually turned into family. The majority of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are not blood related but that makes no difference to me. In fact, my brother, although he lives in our house, is not my blood brother. We have all been together since day 1 and I wouldn’t change any of that for the world. Tonight I find myself back at the infamous house on Yearling Drive. Seems like nothing has changed. The same neighbors are still here, my house looks the same, and the smell of the Kleinhenz family home is still so evident when you walk through the door. I don’t come here often for reasons that will remain unmentioned but tonight I am watching the house while my parents are away. It has just hit me why my mom can’t sell this house. For one, it’s not a house, it’s a home. My parents designed it and built it from nothing. They know every crevice and corner of this home from the foundation up. This living room has been the spotlight for over 18 Christmas’, our dining room wood table is an artwork of completely random words and letters that has been engraved upon for years, our kitchen holds every Thanksgiving dinner and moments where 3 generations of Kleinhenz’s were still around, our backyard experienced every Easter egg hunt, birthday party, and so kindly offered itself for the backdrop to prom and homecoming pictures.

My first steps were taken here and I left this very house for my first day of college. Being here now makes me wonder why my sister and I ever wanted to sneak out in high school (just kidding, mom.) I feel protected here. I like the not-so-stylish decor that I used to bug my mom about. I have learned to love her Ethan Allen furniture in a new way, because I realize it’s not just a table to her. She has served hundreds of breakfasts and dinners to us on that table. We’ve laughed at that table, cried at that table, and reluctantly cleaned that table on chore day. If I could go back, I would change so much. I would appreciate my mom so much more than I did. Granted I wasn’t a bad kid but I gave my mom a good fight every once in a while.

The truth is this… We don’t realize how great we have it and how hard our mothers work until it’s too late. Luckily, my mom is still here and I can tell her thank you for cleaning up my crap, loving me when I ate her food, smiling when I broke something of hers, laughing when I spilled paint on her new carpet, or over looked the fact that when I was 8 I through crayons at the ceiling and there are still colored speckles on the ceiling this very day. Mom’s sacrifice it all. They sacrifice their time, their energy, their homes, their little possessions they love, and their lives. Not many people can sit in the house where they took their first steps and I am blessed to have a place to come that encompasses every part of my childhood and every memory. I love that our attic latter still has the words, “Julie Laurie Fort” on the steps. The grammar cracks me up more than the fact that my sister, brother, and I all used to love creating a “home” in our attic and staying up there.

So, I’ll end with this. Above is a picture of my room that I grew up in. The walls have been a nursery theme, a rainbow, a plethora of backstreet boy pictures, and random other colors ranging from orange to teal. I sit here wondering, “If these four walls could talk, what would they say?” Would they be honest? Would they share the good moments and forget the bad? These 4 walls have seen it all. My first phone conversations with boys, the hours I spent trying on clothes, they’ve overheard hundreds of conversations I’ve had with my best friends, and they watched as I have acted ridiculous, threw fits, and acted like… a child. I love knowing I spent my first night in this room, I cherish that. I cherish the times my sister and I would dance to Phil Collins around the house and watching my parents dance in the kitchen to their song, “When You Say Nothing At All.” I’m in a moment of true bliss. Tonight I am going to snuggle with the blanket my Grandma made me and remember what life was like when she was here and my biggest worry was if I was going to get to her freshly baked rolls before everyone else.

part two: you asked, i didn’t answer…until now.

Here is a little follow up on my previous blog. My teacher asked me to write an essay on what I wanted to do with my life… I couldn’t simply answer that question and I ended up with my first blog. For certain reasons I left some parts out of the excerpt as well as the ending. Over the past couple days I have filled a few people (one special person, in particular) in on some life changes and can now share it with my blogging buddies. So here is part two, the final and edited version of what I am going to do with my life.

So here is the deal. I have way too many ideas on what I should and shouldn’t do with my life. The only barrier I am currently presented with is what God thinks I should and shouldn’t be doing. To name a few of my top choices to fill my busy schedule, we have: going to school to become a chiropractic physician, moving elsewhere to purse a career as a full-time photographer, hanging around long enough to be a wife and a mother, becoming an author, or opening up a chain of random businesses and in a small sense, being my own boss. This random pursuit of my hearts desires should begin sometime after I graduate from PBA and reluctantly plunge into the real world with the other 6.8 billion people that share this waiting room with me.

The thoughts bombard my mind daily but the fears of taking the wrong first step paralyze me into remaining comfortable with my daily routine.  I challenge myself with why? after why? after why? And I conclude that I must learn to fully trust and surrender to Christ before I can take that first step. I know that He is sovereign but do I trust that with all that I am? Do I believe that no matter which step I take that He will be there making good out of my potential bad?  I can’t help to think that all of this would be much simpler if God would use sticky notes every once in awhile. That is obviously out of the question and I am left in a mere battle between my inner desires and my desire for God’s will. The foundation of all of this is suddenly made so clear. Ah, clarity, I love the peace of mind that comes along with it. I need to be still. Not in a room, or by myself in a well-landscaped park; I need to be still with God and let Him be God. I am clearly not doing a notable job as the creator of the universe. It just might be that He has tried to show my the first step to take but my ever so impulsive self was too busy debating my dream future that I blocked Him out. It is a spiritual tragedy to say the least. Career plans or no career plans, I want to know that I am in God’s will, that I am pursuing the goals that bring Him the most glory. Whether that be working at Target or adjusting spines to maximize the function of someone’s nervous system, I will be content. So there we have it, my first step. I will sit and let God be God and let me be me. I am His servant, His child, and pursuing His will. What more could I ask for? I have been given grace beyond measure and the opportunity to serve the King of Kings while I anticipate His triumphant return. Hallelujah, I think I know what I’m doing with my life.

So, I left you hanging on what I have decided to pursue out of my many options. Some things are just left for a few of my loved ones to know…for now!

you asked. i didn’t answer.

What Should I do with My Life?

What a peculiar question to ask someone so simple minded yet extremely extravagant and adventurous as myself. The more logical question for me is, what shouldn’t I do with my life? I have often pondered when the day will come where I choose a path and stick with it. When, oh Lord, will I know your will so intimately that I may walk peacefully down one path and be content with what others would refer to as “a normal life.” Unfortunately I am not created for that, I am an out of the box type of person and I am convinced that God was in a highly creative and hyper sense of mind when He created my inner being. You see, the possibilities are just endless. The phrase “narrowing things down” does not seem to exist in my vocabulary, nor does the word, mediocrity. I can barely even say that word out loud to be honest. I want to be a world changer, a positive impact, the bright color in a dark room. I am not the 9am to 5pm kind of girl. I crave adventure, fresh passions, new challenges, and to be part of a revival. My heart and soul longs to inspire and be inspired; now if I could only find a job that pays me for all of this I would be in great shape. Sigh, the thought of having a job makes me slightly uncomfortable.

This random pursuit of my hearts desires should begin sometime after I graduate from PBA and reluctantly plunge into the real world with the other 6.8 billion people that share this waiting room with me.

Still pondering the rest of life…

{organic make-up… yes please!}

To no ones surprise, I have discovered yet another fantastic organic product that is made from natural ingredients and does not contain chemicals or harsh ingredients. I can barely contain my excitement as I write this because these products are just wonderful! Anyone who has met me knows I am an avid organic/healthy person who gets adjusted and loves maximized living and doing things God’s way. Most of us are on this “go green” kick right now but we often overlook our face washes, soaps, deodorants, and make-up. Why do these things matter and why should you spend the extra few dollars on organic and natural make up? EASY answer. Because your skin in the largest organ in your body! Most of you don’t know this but it is just as important to watch what you put on your body as it is to watch what you put inside your body. The skin absorbs EVERYTHING, toxins, chemicals, fragrances, and all things we are cautioned with in our chemistry classes. Be careful what you put on your face and body, they are all going into your entire body and creating environments where cancer cells and diseases thrive.

Check out my new GREAT, organic, and all natural mascara from a company called, TARTE. They come in the cutest containers and are safe, couture make-ups. They also supply the best eye lash curler known to man at a cost efficient $15! The mascara is amazing and will cost you $18, both available at Sephora. They consists of 5 natural ingredients that you can actually pronounce! All their products are made of a blend of the five most active, free-radical fighting super fruits, vitamins, minerals and natural fruit and plant extracts. Visit their website for more info or visit a Sephora store by you! Check Out TARTE here!

Want to learn more about God’s way of doing health? Go and explore this website to learn more about detoxing, safe cleaners, the healing diet, exercise and fitness from the BEST doctors, and chiropractic corrective care and what it can do for you!

{some things never change}

When I was young…and naive…I thought life got easier as you got older. Oh how wrong I was. Part of me misses those innocent days of mine but another part of me has learned to appreciate responsibility. If I only knew how life was as an adult when I was in high school I would have probably given my mom an easier time. I have a great mom, I am so blessed that she had so much patience with me and loved me enough to let me outgrow my flaws. I give her the credit for everything I am today and the driven person I have become. My sweet mom lost her mom when she was just 12 and her dad not too long after that. I wouldn’t have survived that. She spent her life caring for her siblings, husband, and then me and my sister. She never did worry about herself and still never does. I adore her and can only dream to be half the woman she is. My awesome mom is besides the point of this blog, she is just incredible and deserves to be mentioned.

Life for me hasn’t gotten easier but one thing and one thing alone has remained. Jesus. People fail you, hurt you, leave you, lie to you, deliberatly tear you down, decieve you, talk about you, forget you, envy you, bring you down, and put you last. Jesus is everything we are not. If we leave it up to people to satisfy us, make us happy,  fill our needs, and makes us feel secure we will be searching for something that does not exist forever. We will drain people and make others around us miserable. Trust me, I know from experience. Jesus is constant. He is our giver, our provider, our joy, and everything people cannot be for us. Turn away from this world and people for your fulfillment. I promise you, that fulfillment doesn’t exist in men, only in the Lord.