when i first started my “baby steps” series i was sure that it would last for years. i was also sure that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. fortunately, i was wrong. god worked a bit too quickly for me to blog through my dad’s healing journey and i am just now starting to process what has taken place over the past few months. honestly, i am not where i wish i was. the raw truth is that i don’t know how to be a daughter. i don’t know how to have a dad. i grew up very fast and became an independent adult years before i should have. this has its benefits for sure but now i find myself in this predicament.
for my age i have experienced quite a bit. i seem to be comfortable traveling to 3rd world countries, caring for my best friend’s children for days at a time, figuring out life on my own, and running a successful business on pure dedication and faith. somehow i make all of this work on a daily basis but i can’t figure out how to simply be a daughter. for as long as i can remember i have been jealous of my friends that had great relationships with their dads. i could barely fathom what life would be like if my dad chose me over his addictions. well, now he has and i have no idea what do with it. i guess it feels like i am taking a step back if i let myself “need” my dad. i don’t mean this in a bad way… i have just fought for where i am today and to be honest, i’ve done it alone. it has been a hard and lonely fight but i know it was god’s way to my heart. i have become accustomed to a fatherless life and i am not entirely sure how to forget the past 15 years and let my dad in. this is something that i am definitely praying about and seeking wise council for but i wanted to put it out there… this isn’t easy and i am fighting an emotional and spiritual battle every day. good thing i know that god wins in the end. chew on that, satan.
